For my inaugural blog, I will be reviewing the fourth episode of the Australian teen drama, H20. Fair warning, I have seen all these episodes before. They do not improve on the second viewing.
Here is the basic show plot: three girls get stranded with their friend Lewis on an island off the coast of somewhere in Australia. I do not remember, nor care, why they end up on the island. The girls go exploring and tumble down a hole into a cave with a pool of water. And a hole in the cave roof. Realizing they have to swim out to the ocean via the cave pool, they jump in and the full moon transforms them into mermaids – but only when they get wet. Okay? It’s idiotic. It actually won awards in Australia, which makes me question Australians.
Firstly, the credits are stupid. The song talks about living in a deep blue underworld…which perhaps is accurate as this show makes me feel like I’m in hell.
The episode opens on Lewis in a fugly hat in a boat. His flip phone rings and instead of answering it he holds it out over the water and, surprise, Emma is there in mermaid form to answer.
It seems dumb Cleo has taken a job at the dolphin preserve feeding dolphins, which is nothing if not to say water adjacent. But don’t worry, she has gloves and a dumb shower cap, so she’s cool. She asks Emma if she is having her annual sleepover and Emma just doesn’t know because now they are mergirls AND EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT.
Emma decides to swim back to Mako Island, where the transformation happened. I can’t even describe how stupid they look when they swim. It’s impossible and totally wouldn’t work.
See for yourself
On her swim, she meets dolphins and then finds a necklace. A silver necklace under the ocean that is somehow not covered in rust.
Back to dolphin world. Some weird lady in a caftan is sensing something…it’s Cleo getting wet! Weird lady is there in a jiffy to throw her a towel. Cleo tries to be all cool and say she got water in her eye, but mystical lady knows. “It stings, doesn’t it? But not underwater!” Whaaaaat? And then she disappears.
Meanwhile Professor Lewis is doing experiments on the girls to see how much water it takes for them to change. He is testing a bunch of solutions. But not pee. HOW DO THEY PEE WITHOUT CHANGING? OR DRINK WATER? OR WASH THE LOWER HALF OF THEIR BODIES?
Emma is still all conflicted about her sleepover she always has with her swim-team mates. Former, I should say, since obviously she had to quit that shit and no one even seems tho wonder why. Riki is all frowny on sleepovers because I guess she is supposed to be a bad ass who only likes parties with boys?
The girls are meeting at the cool kid coffeehouse hangout that every teen show has but doesn’t exist in the real world. Cleo convinces Emma to have her dumb party and Emma calls her mom to start texting the invitations? I’m sorry, her mom is going to text them? Can Emma not text them herself?
The bad boy Zane tricks them and gives them prune juice instead of soda. HAHAHHA. Zane is ugly as fuck, so I don’t get why he has a cool guy rep. I guess he is rich? Maybe he could afford a better hairstyle then. Also, all the mergirls are pretty hot, so there is no way they wouldn’t be popular. I went to high school. I know how it works.
All the girls in the coffee shop get a text at the same time inviting them! If all the girls are already in the same place, why can’t Emma just fucking invite them in person? Miriam, who is the bitchy girl, doesn’t get invited (we can tell because her phone doesn’t make an annoying noise).
Whaaaaaat? Miriam and Zane have crashed the party! Because that is what you do when you think you are cooler than someone. You go to their party instead of doing something better. Good evil plan, Zane and Miriam.
Emma’s mom loves Zane and Miriam for some reason and totally invites them to stay. She thinks Zane is a lovely young man. Have you seen his face?
(I’ll note my daughter isn’t even watching, but if we try and turn the horror off, she will totally notice.)
The mergirls are all bummed because Zane is clearly plotting something. All the girls are in pj’s and fawning over Zane. No one is weirded out that there is one dude at the party. Again, ugh.
Emma takes Zane to her room and confronts him about his “scheme” and then says something nasty about his girlfriend. Zane denies that Miriam is his girlfriend and acts all offended. Um, Miriam is unquestionably hot and has enormous boobs, so I can’t even imagine this being the case.
The girls think Zane laced the weird dumplings he brought, and they make him eat one and literally nothing happens. So, basically a waste of 5 minutes. The dumpling things did look disgusting, however.
All the girls want to see Emma’s necklace. Like, all of them. Miriam gets a hard on for it even though it really isn’t that pretty.
Oh god, they are having a pillow fight. Have the writers ever actually been to a slumber party?
For some reason Cleo fights with another girl over who gets to to refill one of the coolers and then she totally gets wet. Why even argue about it? Anyway, 911! She’s wet! Run to the closet! That’s not weird at all.
She comes out completely covered in a mummy sleeping bag and says they should watch shows. The girls don’t think this is at all insane, just that she is having a laugh. Then the girls start tossing another girl in a sleeping bag and Miriam suggests they do Cleo. Cleo doesn’t want this of course and gets so mad she explodes all the coolers. Emma offers a dumb ass explanation about air pressure.
Miriam got all wet and is angry that her sparkly top got ruined. No big loss, Miriam. (Might I add that Zane claims earlier he bought her the outfit. So he’s her what? Platonic sugar daddy? None of my guy friends bought me outfits, that’s for sure.)
Cleo somehow got to the bathroom and is blow drying herself.
OH SNAP. MIRIAM STOLE THE NECKLACE. Riki sees and Miriam is all, bitch, you can’t prove anything and everyone will think you stole it, which is just stupid, because Riki is friends with Emma. Also, Miriam gives it back, so clearly is the worst at being mean. The girls have a pow wow about telling the other girls about the 5 minute long theft, which why? They decide not to. Good, glad we figured that out.
Then the girls start talking about the boys on the swim team and Riki is all, what, boys? Maybe this party doesn’t suck after all. She’s clearly the irresponsible slutty one.
Emma gives Cleo the necklace in what is supposed to be a moving moment and the slumber party goes on.
Next day, Cleo sees mystery woman again at the dolphin preserve. Mystery Woman is all, oh my god, the necklace! Gracie lost it 50 years ago on Mako Island! Cleo finally cottons on that this lady is also a mermaid. Or maybe was? I don’t know. She says something mysterious, neither confirming or denying Cleo’s brain wave and then she is gone again. And scene.
Ok, look, this wasn’t the most egregious episode of this show, which is saying something. But the special effects and acting are awful as usual. I’ll give it a D+ just to be generous.